rape

when I read about it I get triggered.

i read an article about the Girls gone wild guy, ugh what an ass. i felt so scared and small, you know triggered. all that that means. like a little girl, unable to protect myself, unable to do what is right. I really worry about that. if i was in that situation, either personally or if i witnessed it what would my response be? would fight back, would i fight for the rights of the victim?

would i be paralyzed.

back to the previous post, can i learn what i need to learn in this life time if someone else is there for me to lean on? maybe not, maybe, other people do right? i have a tendency to lean heavily on others. that might be why i have to do it alone.

right now I have to go because I just figured out I am perimenopausal, pmsing, and drunk. better to sleep it off.

M

12-2009

Look I figured out how to post pictures cool huh?! This is one of my index card series. Whatever it is a picture I made a few days ago. I'll document my bean head progressions, I think they are evolving.

09-2006

Strong internal energy shift

usually I am looking at the movement of blood in my bean head drawings, but lately I am more interested in the bone structure. In just the past week actually. What does that mean.

Also very strong internal energy shift with this. What the hell does that mean. This is the second time in a week that that has happened. Could it be caffeine? Possible. I hate that, that I am so immature in my understanding of my energy that I can't tell the difference between an energy shift caused by ingested chemicals or some other internal shift of chemicals. I think I'll meditate and see if I can tell the difference. It could be caffeine because I am typing really quickly. Hummmmmm. Damn and in case someone can read this very embarrassing.

Finally after 1 1/2 months taking advantage of free time

It has been one and a half months since I quit one of my jobs and I am just now feeling comfortable enough to use my time productively. Bad me but really I can feel comfortable because it is almost over, and I may just make it out alive. No melodrama there. I will make it out alive, I am not sure how or where but it will be ok.

One and a half months of worry, what a waste of time. I can't sleep, although I am exhausted, but I have to get some ideas out on paper.

More to come.